Why Do People Stay In Bad Relationships?

Most of us have stayed in a toxic, abusive, or bad relationship longer than we wanted to or needed to.

It's not because we were addicted to the chaos.

It's not because we wanted to be treated badly.

It's probably because every once in a while, we saw a tiny glimmer of hope that things were going to get better.

  • Maybe you missed warning signs because you view everything from a lens of compassion and caring. You believe that with the right support from you, anyone can reach their full potential

  • Maybe your inner wounds have led to a strong desire to be accepted and a belief that you shouldn’t hurt other people’s feelings. Setting boundaries or calling someone out for their behavior would feel like a betrayal.

  • Maybe you believe that your love and care can help heal other people and that you owe that to them.

  • Maybe you have ingrained beliefs about commitment that say you should devote everything to these people, even if it means losing yourself.

We also experience cognitive dissonance when we’re with a gaslighter or when we love someone who also hurts us.

Cognitive dissonance is when you have information about something that is completely contradictory to your beliefs, values, and what you thought you knew about that person. When this happens, we react in a few ways:

  1. We ignore the contradictory information

  2. We fight against the information

  3. We replace our beliefs and values with the contradictory information

Whenever someone is in a toxic relationship, people are quick to say why don’t you just leave?

Yes, sometimes people stay in toxic or harmful relationships because it’s all they know or they feel like they don’t deserve better. But, a lot of people stay because they think there's hope.

  • that things will get better

  • that they’ll be the one to change them

  • that they’ll finally get what they need

Bad relationships aren't bad all the time.

Anyone who has been in a toxic relationship knows that it's not always so black and white. There are moments of happiness. There are moments when you feel like maybe things could change. There are moments where you see potential.

The ability to always see someone’s potential is both a blessing and a curse. Potential blinds us. It allows us to take on the responsibility of trying to convince people to get help or to change, forgetting that the only person we have control over is ourselves. We believe that if we just show a little more love, give a little more help, do a little bit more, the person will reach the potential that we see in them. Then we will finally be able to exhale and enjoy the person that we’ve always seen.

Unfortunately, hope only gets you so far. The other person has to see it too. They have to be invested in their own growth or the relationship won't change.

How do I tell if someone is committed to growth?

They take action. They do what they say they're going to do. Here are some signs to look out for:

  • They acknowledge and recognize their role in the problem

  • They are committed to taking regular and consistent action towards a solution

  • They can admit when they mess up or fall short

  • Theyre willing to have conversations about the problem

  • You’re working as a team to solve the issue, not against each other

  • They express a desire to fix things

You can ask yourself, what would I say to a friend going through this exact same situation? Usually that will give you some clarity.

Disclaimer: If you are being abused, emotionally or physically, you are not at fault. If the abuse is still going on and the other person has not made a deliberate effort to seek help and/or change their behavior, the relationship is not safe. These other signs are not possible until the abuse has stopped and the abuser takes responsibility for their actions and their role. I’m going to include some available resources in the caption of this video.

The best apology is changed behavior. Always.

Focus less on what they’re saying and more on what they’re doing. This will tell you everything you need to know.

I know it’s so hard to tell when hope is covering up what's really there. Only you can make the decision of when it's time to let go. The best way to deal is to bring yourself back into alignment with your own beliefs and values - usually means you have to distance yourself from them and decide if what is important to you, is also important to them.

Leaving a toxic relationship can also be dangerous. I know most of us don’t think it would happen to us, but there are millions of reported cases of domestic violence a year in the US.

Remember that your safety is most important. Here are some resources I recommend:

Whitney Goodman