Are There Two Sides To Every Story?

Whenever someone breaks up or there's a disagreement, you hear this line over and over. But, <<First Name>>, do you think there are two sides to everystory?

When you can't see eye to eye with someone, there are a few "truths,"

  • what I perceive to be true (feelings, meaning derived, perception, etc.)

  • what you perceive to be true (feelings, meaning derived, perception, etc.)

  • the actual facts of the situation (time, date, what was said, etc)

No two people will ever see a situation identically. We are all presented with a set of facts and we make meaning out of it. That meaning becomes our story.

Let's say someone at the grocery store bumps into you and doesn't apologize. They're totally out of if after being up late last night with their newborn and they honestly have no idea they hit your leg - that's why they didn't apologize. You obviously aren't aware of any of this. All you know is, they hit your leg and they didn't apologize.

The facts are: the cart hit your leg and they kept it moving like nothing happened.
Your story becomes: "this person was so rude. They rammed me with their cart and didn't even apologize. What an asshole! I would never do something like that." 
Their story is: "I'm exhausted. Where's the milk?" They have literally no clue they hit you.

The fact pattern is the same, but the impact, interpretation, and the story are two totally different things. Make sense? This is one of those situations where we can say there are two sides to every story and every story is different.

But here's where the whole, "there are two sides to every story," thing gets tricky. The saying only holds up in relationships where people are committed to honesty and dignity. It only works in relationships where things are fair. It works for the easy stuff, like hitting someone with your cart in the grocery store, arguing about money, and talking about who said what in a tame argument.

In relationships, there are only two sides to a story when the people telling those stories are coming from a place of honesty and care.

We often assume that because it takes two people to make a relationship go well, that it also takes two people to make a relationship go wrong. While yes, there are always contributing factors from both sides, in extremely toxic or abusive relationships there is typically a victim and an abuser. The abuser has power and control. The victim is powerless or believes that they are. This becomes the dance.

In abusive relationships there may be two stories about what led to the abuse and why it was warranted, but the ending of the story remains the same.

Telling someone who has been abused, gaslit, neglected, or seriously harmed that there are "two sides to every story" doesn't work. It implies that they did something to deserve the behavior and if they would have augmented "their side," things would be different. It's confusing and it's cruel. Yes, we can learn why the abuser did what they did. We can empathize and develop understanding, but it doesn't change the story.

If you've ever been a victim of relational abuse, here are some suggestions for resources:

  • Find a therapist in your area that specializes in abusive relationships.

  • Support groups.

    • Adult Children of Alcoholics

    • ALANON

    • Trauma Survivor Group

    • Domestic Violence Support Groups

  • National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-SAFE

  • Books

Whitney Goodman