Why Do Breakups Hurt So Much?

it doesn't matter if you're the one getting dumped or the one doing the dumping, breakups suck.

They still hurt when we know a relationship needs to end. They still hurt when we know someone is bad for us or it won't work.

When a relationship ends,

  • we have to deal with losing what could have been

  • we have to adjust to a life without this person (the hardest part of a breakup for me was not having that person to text or tell about my day)

  • we have to deal with what went down in the relationship and our part in it

  • we may have doubts about if it should have ended, if this means we failed, if we're not good enough, if we made a wrong decision, if we stayed too long, etc.

It all just sucks. I don't know how else to say it!?

I can still remember exactly how one of my worst breakups felt. It's a feeling I don't think I'll ever forget.

Can you remember yours?

I asked my community on IG to submit some questions they had about breakups. I got A LOT of questions and I'm going to cover some of them here. (BTW, if you're not following me on IG, click here. I decide the theme of each weekly newsletter there).

Why do breakups hurt? They hurt for so many reasons. A study published in the Journal of Neurophysiology found that a relationship breakup may feel so painful because it activates the part of the brain associated with motivation, reward and addiction cravings. The researchers recorded the brain activity of people who had recently been through a breakup. They were still in love with their ex and spent most of their waking hours thinking of them and wanting to reunite.

The participants were shown a photo of their ex and then they were distracted with a math problem. Then, they looked at a photo of a neutral person they know. 

When they were looking at photos of their ex, a few key areas of the brain were stimulated:

  • part of the mid-brain that controls motivation and reward

  • an area associated with craving and addiction (the same reward system that is active in cocaine addiction)

  • the area associated with physical pain and distress

Wild, right!?

Your body may also go into fight or flight mode after a breakup. Often, our ex-partner was our safe person. Maybe they made you feel secure, valued, or important. When you lose that it's scary.

Research has also shown that when someone goes through a breakup, they experience a drop in the production of neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. Breakups can also lead to physical pain in the body.

This is why the whole staying away from your ex after a breakup thing is so important. The more times you interact with the trigger (your ex) by looking at their social media, driving by their house, etc. the more triggered you're going to become. You'll keep putting yourself back into the stress cycle over and over. It's self sabotage at it's finest.

Breakups are hard because they shake up our entire world. They make us sit with ourselves and get real about who we are, what we want, what we're willing to tolerate, and so much more.

If you've gone through a breakup recently, I have a few posts that might be helpful:

For now, take a deep breath. Know the feelings are absolutely normal. This is going to hurt, even if it was the right thing. It's going to hurt for a little while. It's probably going to hurt even if you don't love them or if they hurt you. Validate it all. Keep taking one step forward and trust that what is happening will lead you to where you're supposed to be.

Ending a relationship (no matter what the reason), is one of the most painful experiences we go through as humans. That's why I created The Breakup Workbook. 

I made this workbook for anyone who is grieving the loss of a relationship - whether it was years ago or today. If you're getting divorced, separating, ending a relationship, or grieving something that never fully started...this is for you.

This workbook will help you navigate all the hard questions like,

  • Why do breakups hurt so bad?

  • Will I ever get over this?

  • How can I break up with someone without being an a**hole?

  • Why do some relationships end?

  • Should I stay or should I go?

  • How can I tell if they’re actually doing the work to fix things?

  • Am I ready to date again?

  • Can I be friends with my ex?

  • Should I contact my ex?

It’s a 40 page digital workbook with:

  • 13 worksheets and journal prompts

  • Scientific research about why breakups hurt

  • Breakup quotes

  • Link to my recommended reading

  • 100’s of prompts to help you navigate this painful period

The workbook has white backgrounds and black font so it can easily be printed or used on a computer, phone, or tablet. You can get The Breakup Workbook here.

Whitney Goodman