How To End Patterns of Family Dysfunction
Every family has a little bit of dysfunction. Some have a lot more than others.
As kids, we spend most of our time around our parents and other family members - soaking in everything they say and do. These relationships become our foundation. They influence how we see the world.
We learn
how to treat romantic partners
how to form friendships
how to deal with stress and hardship
who is safe and who isn't
what we should value
what is important
how we talk to ourselves
how to navigate the world
and so much more from our caregivers and family members.
A child who grows up in a family with an alcoholic may learn that alcohol is an appropriate way to deal with stress. A child who grows up with a yoga teacher as a mom may use yoga instead.
A child who grows up with a parent who prioritizes work and socializing over family, may come to understand that those are the most important things in life.
A child who grows up around domestic violence is much more likely to repeat it, simply because they think it's normal.
We adopt the value systems that are handed down to us until we are ready to develop are own. As children, we don't know any different. As adults, we get to choose.
If you grew up in a more dysfunctional family, this doesn't mean that you're doomed to repeat everything they taught you. You get to decide what your life looks like and what you want to continue. Awareness gives you that power.
Awareness is everything when it comes to changing and ending dysfunctional family dynamics. Here are some questions you can ask yourself:
How did I feel as a child? I have a list of adjectives to choose from in my Parentified Child Workbook that may help.
What did I like about my childhood? Is there anything you want to continue or repeat?
What did I dislike about my childhood? Are there any patterns that I want to end or change?
What did I need as a child that I didn't have access to or didn't get from caregivers? Is there a way that I can provide myself with these things now?
When I think about creating my own family, what do I want it to look like? What values are important to me? What type of culture do I want to create in my own family?
What do your present relationships look like? Are you repeating any patterns that you don't like or don't want to repeat?
What role am I playing in the dysfunction? Am I stepping in to help all the time? Am I ignoring my own boundaries or others boundaries? Am I repeating patterns or behaviors that I don't like in others?
What boundaries do I need to set in my current relationships? Where do I need space or separation?
Have I observed any healthy family relationships around me? Who has a relationship that I enjoy? Who shares my values?
How can I practice having healthy relationships? Are there people who feel safe in my life? Can I see a therapist or talk to someone about this? Do I need some outside help?
Take these questions and just start writing. Start paying attention and taking inventory. You don't have to accept that things "have to be this way" or that "that's just how families are."
The more aware you become, the easier it is to change and transform. If you don't know what's there, you can't change it.
If you’re interested in uncovering and ending dysfunctional family patterns in your own family, our member therapists provide online family therapy for Florida residents and at our Miami, FL office. To be matched with the best therapist for you, complete the form below. We can’t wait to start working with you.