The Poison Of Envy
I have been reading the book How To Be Sick by Toni Bernhard and I can honestly say it has changed my life as a person and loved one of someone with severe chronic illness.
Toni brings up the idea of envy throughout her book and how to combat it by using the Buddhist practice of mudita.
Coming to terms with your own illness or the illness of a loved one can be a challenge of epic proportions. I have found myself brimming with envy throughout the last year. Asking myself, sometimes daily, “why did this happen to us?” I found it challenging to find joy when there was something “wrong” in my life and really struggled to cultivate joy daily. People with seemingly “normal lives” were usually on the receiving end of my jealousy.
There’s this saying I hear a lot among addiction treatment professionals: “You’re drinking the poison, expecting the other person to die.” that is exactly what we are doing when we live in a place of envy. Think about it. While you are sitting on Instagram, comparing yourself to someone and coveting what they have – they are out their living their life! It can be so hard for the chronically ill and their caregivers to avoid feeling envy towards people who are just living their lives as they always have.
Envy is toxic.
It can eat away at your mind. Feeling these types of negative emotions can also exacerbate physical symptoms and leave you feeling worse. Buddhism defines an emotion as a thought plus a physical reaction to that thought. When we experience negative thoughts in the mind, our body will also experience negativity.
Toni shares a practice in her book that has been extremely helpful for me personally and my clients. It allows us to come to terms with the life we can no longer lead and continue to experience joy in the face of challenges.
How to cultivate joy in the joy of others:
When you are feeling envy or jealousy about another person, direct kindness their way.
For example, if your family all gets to eat dinner together and you are too sick to join, repeat to yourself: “how nice that they get to enjoy each other and eat nice food.”
Toni suggests repeating this practice even when it is hard. You will have moments where envy creeps up inside of you and feels difficult to control. This is ok!! Send kindness anyways.
This practice can work with anything, not just chronic illness.
When someone gets a new car and envy is flowing through your veins, say to yourself: “how nice that they get to drive that new car.”
When your coworker gets a promotion and you are feeling jealous, “How wonderful that they have achieved a new goal.”
Like any behavior change, sending others joy when we are feeling jealous ain’t easy! But give it a try with me. I think you might like the results.