How To Repair Your Relationships After A Fight
Marriage, relationships, and partnerships come in a variety of shapes and sizes, but one this is true: couples have arguments.
Research has shown that it’s not what you fight about that necessarily breaks a relationship, but rather how you fight and how you repair after arguments.
Many couples get caught up in the “facts.” When two people are arguing there are usually three sets of “facts,” your perspective, their perspective, and the truth. John Gottman suggests that couples stay away from discussing their subjective realities of a situation and instead use this 5 step process to repair after a disagreement. I have used this model in both my professional and personal life, and I can tell you, it works.
The model is very easy to follow and extremely straightforward. Both you and your partner will need to be willing to follow these steps. Work through the following steps together, allowing your partner to complete each step with you.
How To Repair Your Relationship
1. Feelings: Share how you felt during the argument. Stay away from discussions of why you felt that way and avoid any commentary on your partner’s feelings. You can do this by saying, “I felt (insert feeling word).”
2. Reality: Discuss your version of the reality of the disagreement. Make sure to summarize and affirm your partner’s subjective view of the truth. If you do not understand their point of view, avoid leading with criticism or contempt. Instead ask open ended questions like, “Can you tell me more about that?”
3. Triggers: Share what memories or past experiences were brought up during the argument. Maybe you were reminded of a previous relationship or a family member. Include stories or reasons of why these particular memories are painful for you.
4. Responsibility: Express an understanding of your role in the situation. Take ownership of the contributions you made during the disagreement.
5. Constructive Plan: Give your partner one concrete strategy they can use in the future to avoid this issue. This is the perfect time to provide your partner with some direction. Remember, our spouses are not mind readers! If we want change, we must give some guidance.
Try working these five steps with your partner the next time you have an argument or disagreement. Let me know how it goes!
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If you’d like to practice these five steps or work on repairing your relationship with me, let’s chat! Schedule a free-15 minute strategy session, and we will get you back to the relationship you deserve.