Stop Saying This To People With Chronic Illness
If you have chronic illness you’ve been told this often… “be more positive!!” In fact, most of my clients come in complaining about all the people in their life who share this nugget of wisdom with them.
I get the sentiment, and I know this advice is coming from a very good place. Heck, when I am really frustrated and out of advice, I know I have even uttered this phrase to people (gasp!). Positivity helps, and it makes the world a kinder, happier place. I like feeling happy and positive, and I really like when the people around me are happy and positive. The world is just easier that way, right?
But, everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, has negative thoughts. We can’t be bright and shiny all the time – that’s what makes us real. It’s what we do with these thoughts that matters.
When someone says “you need to be more positive,” I often wonder, how does one exactly do that right here, right now? I know the science behind transforming thoughts, but in the moment, it really makes you feel like the person you’re talking to just does. not. get. it.
Positive thinking does improve mood and medication compliance, but there is not enough research that it prevents and cures disease. Many people want to believe that the power of the mind can control serious diseases. This is a comforting belief that can make you feel safe. While we cannot directly control or heal certain diseases with our mind, improving our mood while living with illness is essential for maintaining quality of life and motivation to complete treatments or perform necessary tasks. Because depression and anxiety are often byproducts of chronic illness, taking care of our mental health is highly important.
We could all probably use a little more positivity in our lives. But when you have chronic illness, and every single day of your life is a struggle on some level, it’s hard to comprehend exactly how one should “be more positive.” You need a mixture of realistic thoughts AND positive thoughts.
The chronically ill and their families normally use two coping skills: wish-fulfilling fantasy and information seeking.
Wish-fulfilling fantasy is wishing for the illness to be over or dreaming about when things were “better.” It causes pessimistic thinking and leaves you feeling hopeless. This is you thinking about your symptoms, saying “if things were better, I could do this, but I can’t. I’m a failure. I wish this would go away.”
Information seeking is getting info, consulting, and asking for help. This coping skill is distracting and provides some control over the situation. It allows people to be useful and helpful. Studies show information seeking is linked to improved mood and wish-fulfilling fantasy to poor adjustment. Obtaining resources may stop patients from ruminating over their situation and pessimism. The information also gives some control over the illness. If you have the correct resources, you can change your circumstances, even if only slightly.
DISCLAIMER:
This is NOT becoming Dr. Google and spending hours looking up your symptoms and condition!!!
Rather than telling yourself or a family member to “be positive,” find resources that can increase positivity and mood! Like going to a support group, accompanying them to a doctor’s appointment, sharing new research, or spending time with positive influences. Looking for helpful resources will increase your feelings of control over the situation, improving mood and outlook.
It is important that information seeking is realistic and reliable. Watch out for programs trying to “fix” you. If you find yourself spending a lot of time researching new cures, be mindful and evaluate if it is actually helping you.
It is important that we focus on actionable change to becoming more positive, not demanding that we find positivity in the middle of chaos. When life is hard, it is okay to think about the hardship. You can feel and experience it. It’s finding ways to live within the lines of that hardship that matters.