If You Are The Fixer In Your Family, Remember This
If you are typically the “fixer” in your family, remember this:
you have permission to put yourself first.
no is a complete sentence.
you cannot save others by setting yourself on fire.
you learned to play this role, you can change it.
when you change, people will either meet you in that new, healthy place or they will stay where they’re at. It’s not your fault if they choose to stay.
it’s ok to say “I love you, but I can’t do this anymore.”
people will love you even when you are not “doing” or “fixing.”
Fixers believe deep down that they will only be loved for what they do, not for the person they are.
They are the people who are always there. They’re exhausted, stressed, and over committed.
They have horrible boundaries and are convinced they can save people from any pain or discomfort if they try hard enough.
Fixers are trained to fill this role. It’s how they get their needs met. It’s how they secure their space in someone’s life. It gives them safety and security.
This was me.
The most memorable moment of my time in therapy was when my therapist looked at me and said, “you know you don’t have to do all this for people to love you…right?”
Honestly, I don’t think I knew that. I certainly didn’t believe it.
I had to admit this core belief I held: I have to do something for the other person or that person won’t love me and they won’t stick around. Fixers can feel like this in romantic relationships, at work, and within their own families.
There is a HUGE difference between giving because we want to and giving because we feel like we have to in order to be loved.
I hope you know what it took me a long time to figure out: you are worthy of love just because of who you are.
You will still be worthy of love if you’re not the perfect daughter, son, husband, wife, partner, or friend.
It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to take a break. It’s ok to fall short sometimes. You’re already enough.
Oh and btw, since I’ve given up many of my fixing behaviors…everyone around me is still alive. They’re actually doing better!
Even when it feels like you’re the only thing holding it all together, people will find a way to make it work.