How To Repair Your Relationship After An Affair
After discovering infidelity in your relationship, you may be confused about whether you should stay or go. Ask yourself these three questions to get clarity.
1. Would you want to be committed to your partner if you trusted them again?
2. Have you let go of your anger and resentment about your partner’s betrayal and are you able to move forward?
3. Can you forgive your partner for their actions?
If you decide you would like to stay in the relationship, The Gottman Method uses a 3 step process to help couples heal from an affair. You can do this with a therapist trained in the Gottman Method (like me :))
Phase 1: Atone
The cheater must show remorse. Rebuilding a relationship after infidelity is not possible without this. The person who was unfaithful attempts to understand their partner’s feelings and to accept responsibility without getting defensive. You gotta step up and say “I broke my commitment to this marriage. I take full responsibility for my actions.” None of the “if you didn’t do ____, I wouldn’t have cheated.”
Couples will then start working to gain insight into what went wrong. Both members must become more aware of the reasons that led to the affair. Without blame! The person who is unfaithful must end the affair and all contact if they hope to move forward. There must be a deliberate commitment to the relationship. ⠀⠀⠀
Phase 2: Attune
Attunement happens when a couple starts to forgive and is ready to rebuild their relationship without blaming. During this phase, we’ll come up with a plan to handle conflict. The unfaithful partner must also make the relationship a priority. The couple will go public as a united front.
Phase 3: Attach
The last phase involves the couple reconnecting physically. They must learn to trust each other. This can be particularly hard for the “victim” partner. Couples will come up with a plan to reignite emotional and physical intimacy.