How To Make Amends

Making amends is part of the 12-Step Model in addiction recovery. These are mentioned specifically in several of AA’s Twelve Steps, including:

  • Step Eight: Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

  • Step Nine: Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Making amends in substance use recovery can be done as part of a 12-Step program or as a component of any other recovery program. This action can benefit anyone.

What are amends?

Making amends is totally different than saying sorry. Ever heard the saying, actions speak louder than words? Or my other favorite, talk is cheap. Amends are not just saying you’re sorry, but doing something about it. For example, if while you were using you never spent any time with your children, you will not just apologize to them. You will apologize and then continue to make time for them.

  • If you wrecked your friends car, you will have it fixed.

  • If you broke something of value or pawned it, you will replace it.

Why make amends?

This process allows you to show yourself and others that you are actively changing and becoming a person of integrity. Making amends allows you to create a respectable and honorable value system by which you will live your life in recovery. Hurt that you may have caused in the past can also lead to feelings of guilt or resentment. Making amends will allow you to move forward and leave the wreckage of your addiction in the past.

Are there situations where I should not make amends?

YES! Making amends is not just about you and clearing your conscience, it is about the other person or people involved. If your amends is going to hurt the other person more than it will help them, consider your motivation and the benefits of this action. If you cheated on a past partner and they have no idea, does calling them up and apologizing for this action help them in any way? Probably not. Which brings me to my next point…

Indirect v. Direct Amends

Sometimes it is not possible to make direct amends in substance use recovery with someone you have wronged. In this case, you can do something indirect in honor of this past action. Donating to charity, living an honorable life, teaching someone a new skill, and helping someone in need, are all awesome ways to make amends indirectly and give back.

How will people respond?

In a variety of ways that you will never be able to prepare for. Do not expect everyone to greet you with a warm embrace when you make amends. Their reaction is their reaction and should not stop you from continuing with your program.

Some questions to think about before making amends in substance use recovery:

  • What are some of the past behaviors you want to make amends for?

  • What relationships have suffered because of these actions?

  • What are some steps you can take?

  • How will your relationship benefit from these repairs?

My number one recommendation is to travel this journey with someone you trust. Whether it is a therapist, a sober friend, or a sponsor, you will need the support. If you’d like help with making amends in substance use recovery please do not hesitate to contact me. We can set up a free strategy session and make a plan.

Whitney Goodman