How To Heal From Gaslighting: A Therapist Explains Steps To Start Your Healing Process
Gaslighting is an act of manipulation that forces someone to question their thoughts, memories, and the events occurring around them. It’s become a bit of a buzzword lately.
Gaslighting isn’t someone disagreeing with you or telling you you’re wrong. It’s a from of emotional abuse where the person tries to alter your memory or perception of events.
Most people say it makes them feel “crazy” and like they don’t know the difference between what’s real and imagined. It’s hard for them to make choices and they second guess pretty much everything. Does this sound like you?
If you’ve been a victim of gaslighting and you’re not sure how to heal, here are some small steps you can start taking.
1. Minimize Or Stop Contact
If someone has been gaslighting you, it's important to stop or limit contact. Healing is much more challenging when the gaslighting is still happening. Of course there are situations where contact cannot be stopped completely. This may require you to change how you communicate with them, when, how often, etc.
2. Validate Your Own Feelings And Thoughts
Repeat phrases like, "I know my reality" or "I know what happened." Affirm that you know what is happening or what happened, even if the other person doesn't agree with you. Practice allowing yourself to feel emotions and think thoughts without questioning them. Remind yourself often that you know what is right for you.
3. Write Down The Facts + Feelings
If something is confusing or our find yourself experiencing self-doubt, write down what is happening and how you are feeling. Look at the details and use them to reaffirm your reality. You can focus on details like time, place, what you said, who was there, etc. to help ground you in your awareness and your ability to understand your reality.
4. When You Feel Compelled To Replay Situations, Validate.
I know I told you to write everything down, but if you're feeling compelled to do this over and over...it's time to pause. You can say something like, "it makes sense why I am doing this. My reality was denied so often." Or, "I get why I feel like I can't trust myself. I am safe and I can trust myself." Know that it is normal for people who have been gaslit to experience doubt. The more confident you become, the less it will happen.
5. Be Mindful Of You
If you've been gaslit, you may find yourself focusing all your attention on others. Try paying attention to things like hunger cues, thirst, your sleep schedule, showering, etc. When you feel a need come up, honor it.
6. Make Your Own Decisions
It can be as simple as deciding what you're going to ea that night or what time you're going to bed. Follow your own instinct and allow yourself to make decisions. With practice things will get better.
7. Remember It Might Not Make Sense
You may be trying to look back and put the pieces together so that it makes sense. Most relationships where there is gaslighting make absolutely no sense - that is by design. Remind yourself that it is ok if it doesn't make sense. You're not doing anything wrong.
8. Spend Time With People You Trust
It's important to spend time healing around people who believe you and validate your experience. This may be a friend, family member, or even a professional like a therapist.