How To Deal With Family Addiction During The Holidays
People normally associate holidays with family time, but the holidays can become stressful when you are inviting an addict to your table. There are families who thrive during the holidays; but for those who don’t, Thanksgiving can be extremely overwhelming. In an addict family, there is often hope that their loved one will get through the day sober with no major issues. Sometimes this happens, sometimes it doesn’t.
You may not know this, but you do have a choice. You can decide if you want to spend the holidays with the addict in your life. Thanksgiving does not mean you are obligated to attend an event with this individual or have them in your home. Consider their actions at previous holiday gatherings and discuss this with a close relative or friend. Sometimes the holidays cause us to be more sentimental or anxious; it’s never a bad idea to run your thinking by another person. If you decide to extend an invitation, take some precautions before you set a place at the table for the addict in your life.
1. Try to manage your expectations: Holiday season rolls around and we suddenly hope that our family and friends will get along, behave, and not cause any trouble. No family is perfect (addiction or no addiction) and expecting it to be on the holidays often sets you up for failure. Know that the occasion may have some bumps in the road, but you can still enjoy the time surrounded by your loved ones. I encourage people to roll with the punches and accept the reality of the day. This helps keep expectations low and minimizes the likelihood of letdown. Run through some scenarios in your head: your son may show up sober and happy or he may show up with a hoodie pulled over his eyes, clearly high. You may invite this individual and they don’t show up at all. No matter what happens, you have the right to enjoy your day.
2. Be Prepared: The day could result in raised voices, plates being thrown, or other inappropriate behavior. Are you prepared to accept the consequences if their attendance becomes volatile? Make certain that you have support to deal with the situation. You may also have to deal with family members who refuse to come to the event because they addict is attending. Accept their decision with no judgment.
3. Set Boundaries: Just because it’s Thanksgiving does not mean you have to allow someone who is abusing substances into your home. Explain to this individual very clearly the parameters of their attendance. They are only allowed to attend the festivities sober. If they break this rule, you will be forced to ask them to leave your home. If you create rules, be certain that you can follow them. The holidays are not a time to enable substance abuse. It may seem mean or unjust to kick someone out of your home on Thanksgiving, but they are responsible for their actions.
4. Have A Plan: If the individual arrives under the influence, have a plan of what you will say and how you will handle the situation. “I am sorry you weren’t able to stay sober and enjoy the holiday with us this year. We would love to see you next time.” Do not become argumentative or spend your energy trying to punish the individual in this moment. Have a plan for how they will safely leave your home.
5. Work Together: Make sure all the attendees agree on a plan. Things can become catastrophic when one individual is telling them they can stay, while the other is forcing them to leave.
Families dealing with addiction can really struggle over the holidays. Feeling of confusion, disappointment, anger, and sadness often fill the air. Please know that you deserve and all allowed to have a wonderful holiday. Don’t allow your loved one, who may still be struggling with the disease of addiction, to rob you of that. They may not be able to be there this year, but you will be there waiting when they are ready.