Can You Forgive And Forget?

Today on Instagram, most of you voted for the topic of forgiveness. Forgiveness is something I'm always talking about with clients. Whether it's forgiving ourselves or forgiving someone else, we've all wrestled with this topic.

Forgiveness has been marketed as the golden ticket to healing and emotional freedom. We're constantly being told that we need to forgive, trying to get someone to forgive us, or struggling to forgive ourselves.

How many times have you been told that you need to forgive? Or that holding on to something will make you sick?

How many times have you been told you're holding grudge? Or that you just need to get over it and move on?

Forgiveness isn't something that just happens. Forgiveness is not the same thing as justice.

Forgiveness is something that we choose to do. It's something that we practice. Forgiveness is for us. It's not just for them.

You do not need to forgive to move on.
You do not need to forgive to heal your trauma.
You are not obligated to forgive.

But let's say you do want to forgive someone else or yourself. You want to let go and release what happened What would that look like?
What do you want to let go of it?
What isn't yours to carry anymore?

If you choose to forgive or to move on, do it on your terms and in your own time. Forgiveness doesn’t have to be something we ask for directly. It doesn’t mean that what the other person did was okay or that there won’t be consequences for their actions. It also doesn’t have to lead to reuniting with the person that caused you harm. It may actually be unhealthy or dangerous to have that person in your life. Forgiveness isn't validation. Instead, it might be acceptance or understanding or knowing or letting go.

You can opt out of forgiveness and still confront what happened to you and understand where you are now. You can look at the growth and the pain you’ve experienced. Maybe you’ll try to find an answer to why the person did what they did - you may not ever find one. You can relinquish the hold this has over your life while still holding someone accountable for their actions.

Unfortunately, sometimes the people we wish would apologize or make amends are the ones who are completely incapable of doing so. Sometimes we have to forgive because it's what is best for us. 

Forgiveness is messy. I wish I could give you a step by step guide or a book on How To Forgive, but I can't. Instead, I'll leave you with these reminders:

  • you can forgive someone and not forget what they did

  • you can forgive someone and still not let them into your life

  • you can forgive someone and maintain boundaries

  • you can forgive someone and not accept their behavior

  • you can choose to forgive someone and not share it with them

  • you get to choose what forgiveness looks like

  • you can forgive yourself for not knowing what you know now

  • forgiveness isn't permanent and can be taken away if things change

  • you are the one who gets to decide who to forgive and when

  • you don't have to forgive to heal

what's new this month:

  • I launched The Breakup Workbook on my store.

  • I added some new recommended reading to my book store.

  • I launched my new private practice website. We offer counseling online to Florida residents and in Miami, FL.

  • I'm launching the healing dysfunctional family patterns workbook next month. Stay on this email  list to get early access and a discount code

Whitney Goodman