How To Set Boundaries With Family

You all voted on Instagram for an email on setting boundaries with family. My Healing Family Patterns workbook is coming out next month so this is perfect timing.

So many of us grew up with expectations around family. Take a second to think about your family norms,

  • Were you encouraged to set boundaries with family members who hurt you? Or did you constantly hear, "but it's family..."

  • Do you give family members more room to hurt you because they're family?

  • Would you tolerate the same behavior from friends or co-workers?

Every family has some dysfunction and there is a spectrum. In highly dysfunctional families, we may see some of these behaviors or characteristics: 

  1. Aggression: Behaviors may include belittlement, domination, lies and control.

  2. Limited affection: The absence of physical or verbal affirmations of love, empathy and time spent together.

  3. Neglect: No attention paid to one another and discomfort around family members.

  4. Addiction: Parents having compulsions relating to work, drugs, alcohol, sex and gambling.

  5. Violence: Threat and use of physical and sexual abuse.

These types can overlap and several may exist in one family.

When a child grows up in a dysfunctional family, they have no frame of reference. They have nothing to compare it to. They are going to assume that the behaviors they're witnessing equate to love because that's what is supposed to happen.

We are taught to believe that family should treat us well and always be there for us. We grow up hearing,
"moms always love their children"
"parents always do what is best."
"blood is thicker than water."
"family over everything."

These ingrained beliefs can make it so challenging for us to set boundaries with our family members. We believe that they should treat us right and that we should tolerate their behavior because they're family.

I want you to know, you are the only person who gets to decide what role someone plays in your life. You do not have to accept abuse, dysfunction, neglect or toxic behavior from anyone - even if they are related to you.

Boundaries with family members can be customized to fit your specific situation. You can set boundaries around your
time
physical space
energy
money
emotions 
etc.

If you are thinking about setting a boundary with a family member, ask yourself:
1. what seems to be bothering me about this relationship? Where do I feel like I'm being impacted?
2. what would improve this situation? Where could I set a boundary that might be helpful? What is my ideal outcome?
3. what boundaries have I tried to set in the past? What happened?
4. what makes setting this boundary hard?
5. is this person respectful of my boundaries?
6. what will I lose if I don't set this boundary? What will I gain if I do?
7. what am I afraid will happen if I try to set this boundary?
8. why do I want to set this boundary?

When you first start setting boundaries, you might feel like you’re being mean - especially with family.

It’s possible to combine empathy with a firm boundary (if you want to show empathy, sometimes you just want the boundary and that’s ok). Empathy is making space for someone’s feelings and experience. The boundary is protecting your own energy and needs. The two can coexist.

Try to think of a way that you can express the boundary + have empathy. Here's an example:
"Mom, I love that you want to come over and see the baby. It's so important that we have you in our lives. Sunday is our day as a family. I would appreciate if you don't come over unannounced on Sunday. Please call us before and we'll let you know if you can stop by."

Unfortunately, some will not respect our boundaries. This does not mean that the boundary wasn’t right.

Sometimes it means we need to re-evaluate, set the boundary again, or ignore the behavior. When someone tests your boundaries there are a few things you can do:

  1. Restate the boundary. Tell them again and make it very clear. You can even ask if they understand and make sure that you’re on the same page.

  2. Give them time. Sometimes people need a minute to adjust to our new boundaries. This isn’t always careless or malicious. You can have some empathy during the process.

  3. Remind yourself why you are setting this boundary. When we’re pushed it can be tempting to drop it all and go back to how things were before. Remind yourself why you got to this place.

  4. Reevaluate the boundary. Is it working for you? Is this what you want? Sometimes we might overcorrect with too strict of a boundary, or maybe you weren’t strict enough.

  5. Ignore their behavior. If someone is really pushing your boundary and not being respectful, you may have to continue holding the boundary and ignore their behavior. There are unfortunately situations where this is necessary.

Setting boundaries with a family member is HARD. Have some compassion and take your time. It gets easier, I promise.


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Whitney Goodman