When You And Your Siblings Have Completely Different Childhoods

I work with a lot of adults who are trying to process their childhood or deal with complicated family dynamics. Here is something I hear a lot..."my siblings and I have completely different memories of our childhood."

When these adults bring up their various memories or differing opinions, most parents respond with some variation of: "well I raised you all the same, so I don't know what happened."

Let's clear something up. It's absolutely impossible to raise all your children exactly the same and here's why:

  • You change as time passes.

  • You have varying degrees of knowledge with each child.

  • Each child is different and brings out different qualities in you. This makes you respond differently to each of them. This is common with twins or multiples where you did parent them all at the same time.

  • Each child is facing a different external world - different pressures, influences, etc.

  • What you react to and how you choose to parent often changes based on things like gender and what is being triggered from your own past.

  • Your relationships (marriage, coparenting, and partnerships) are going to be in different places or with entirely different people each time.

  • One of your children may grow up alone for some time, while another has never been without siblings.

So, maybe you can control for the lessons you teach your child, where they grow up, and the fact that they have you as a parent, but pretty much everything else is bound to change. Each child will also interpret your parenting differently and it will impact them in different ways. (Terrifying, I know). It would be nice if we could just find a way that worked and repeat it with each kid to get the same stellar results.

The reality is, there are sibling rivalries, sibling preferential treatment, sibling abuse.
And sometimes, siblings have completely different childhoods.

You can grow up in the same family as your siblings and have a completely different set of memories, experiences, and beliefs about your childhood.

not everyone will agree with your interpretation.

When I posted about this on instagram, one of the most common comments was about parents and siblings not all agreeing on the same interpretation of the childhood. This is normal and common. You are all viewing it through your own knowledge, worldview, personality, and experience.

A couple of things to remember:

  • sometimes everyone has a different memory or perspective and they're all valid

  • some people deny what happened because it would force them to acknowledge their role in the situation

  • someone can deny your experience and it can still be true

  • you don't need validation from others to validate yourself

if you want to bring up issues with your childhood to your parents, you can start here.

Discussing your childhood with your parents can be really tough. Parents (understandably so) often become quite defensive because it's tough for them to hear - even if they know it's true. I advise bringing up these issues compassionately, calmly, and without a lot of blame enhancing words. You're more likely to open up a conversation and actually get somewhere this way.

*Disclaimer: You may have parents who have no interest in hearing you out. They may deny, belittle, or re-engage in abuse. You don't have to continue this conversation and it may be time for a boundary rather than seeking understanding.*

Here are some examples of how you can start the conversation:

  • "I have been talking about my childhood a lot with my therapist and there are a few things that are still bothering me. Can we talk about it?"

  • "I know you really tried your best and when you forgot to pick me up at school it made me feel abandoned."

  • "I love you Mom and I also have a lot of bad memories from when we were living there. I'm not sure if you understand what it was like for me and I want to tell you about it."

Parents, I know these things can be hard to hear. But I want you to know that most of the adults I work with want to have relationships with their parents if they can. Most of them just want to hear “I’m sorry. That wasn’t right. I’m going to be different.” + real action and change. I think so many relationships could be saved just from that phrase and action.

affirmations for people who have strained relationships with their parents:

  • "My parents tried and I wish they would have done more."

  • "I am an adult now and I get to decide what my life looks like."

  • "I can validate myself even if no one validates me."

  • "I know what happened to me."

  • "I can't change the past and I can have control over my future."

  • "I can create the relationship I want with my parents. I don't have to be a child anymore."

want to work on this a little bit more?

I have a workbook on healing from family dysfunction - check it out.

I am also hosting another webinar on how to support someone who is struggling with their mental health - sign up here (YES IT WILL BE RECORDED AND SHARED WITH YOU!!)

As always, thanks for reading!
Whit

Whitney Goodman