Are You Giving Just To Get?: Why Helping May Be Hurting You

My content about people who love to help and fix is some of my most popular content to date. I have a few theories about why this is, but I think it's because the majority of people who follow therapists online really want to be helpful.

I’ve noticed that there is a group of people that just feel more than others. These are the people that tend to get wrapped up in caring for others, totally forgetting about themselves and their needs.

They believe deep down that they will only be loved for what they do, not for the person they are. They are the people who are always there. They’re exhausted, stressed, and over committed. They have horrible boundaries and are convinced they can save people from any pain or discomfort if they try hard enough.

Helpers are trained to fill this role. It’s how they get their needs met. It’s how they secure their space in someone’s life. It gives them safety and security.

Is this you?

Now don't get me wrong here..being helpful is great. We build relationships, improve bonds, and help ourselves feel better through acts of service and generosity. But, some of us learned to take the helping a little bit too far and now we're just burdened, burnt out, and resentful. That's because there is a HUGE difference between giving because we want to and giving because we feel like we have to in order to be loved.

So, do you tend to overextend and give a little bit beyond your means?
Answer these questions to find out.

  • Do you sometimes feel drained, depleted, or like all the energy has been sucked out of you?

  • Are you very skilled at hiding your own vulnerabilities?

  • Are you the one that usually gives more in a relationship?

  • Do you stay too long in relationships because you want to see the good in people?

  • Do you try to avoid rocking the boat or making anyone upset?

  • Do you say yes when you really want to say no?

  • Do you feel like you help people more than they help you?

If you answered yes to those questions, you may be prone to helping, fixing, overextending, or co-dependency.

being helpful is good, extending yourself beyond your capacity can have some pretty awful results.


Helping is a good thing and there are so many benefits to helping others, for us and them. But we have to look at why helping is hurting you and why you’re going beyond what feels comfortable for you. Sometimes we're helping because we want to fundamentally change someone. Other times we're helping because it's how we secure value in those relationships.

When we tie our identity to helping someone else, we will often be disappointed. This usually leaves the well intentioned helper feeling defeated and worthless.

I want you to think about times where you tried to help someone or fix something for them.

Think about a time when the outcome wasn’t positive in your eyes - they didn’t change and they didn’t get better. How did this impact how you feel about yourself?

How did it change your relationship with this person and with yourself?

Often it leaves us frustrated. We continue searching for answers and more ways to help, we grow increasingly weary and desperate. Our identity is totally hinged on the outcome.

if you find yourself helping too much, here is where you can start making some changes:

If you want to start working on setting boundaries and putting yourself first sometimes, here are some things you can do:

  • Find one way to put yourself first a week. This doesn't mean that you have to ignore your responsibilities. Find five minutes in your day where you can do something for you. If you're really busy or this is hard - go buy a coffee, take a walk, ask someone to watch the kids so you can shower in peace, etc. Just do one thing.

  • Set boundaries with your energy and time. You can start slow - if you normally will drop everything to help someone, respond in ten minutes instead and then work your way up.

  • Find ways of helping that you actually enjoy and focus on those.

affirmations for helpers, fixers, and people who ignore their own needs:

  • I am allowed to have my own needs.

  • I can be helpful and set boundaries.

  • I can set boundaries with people and they will still love and respect me.

  • Being needed isn't the only way to have a relationship with someone.

  • I can accept help, too.

want to work on this a little bit more?

I have a course for all the helpers out there. if you relate to this email - check it out.

I am also hosting a webinar about healing from dysfunctional family systems on Tue, October 26, 2021 12:00 PM – 1:00 PM EDT. It will be recorded for anyone who can't attend live. Grab a spot here.

Whitney Goodman