How To Set Boundaries With Family Over The Holidays: COVID-19 Edition

Are you visiting anyone for the holidays this year?

Whether you celebrate any of the upcoming holidays or not, this time of year brings around a certain pressure to be with family. COVID-19 has certainly made that more complicated and might lead to some difficult feelings and even more challenging conversations.

In my weekly vent box on Instagram, hundreds of you shared that you’re stressed about spending money on gifts, telling your mom you won’t be home for the holidays, not celebrating in the same ways, or getting through this season because of a recent loss or a change in family dynamics. It makes sense. This year has been anything but normal and even if we try hard to pretend it’s normal, it’s still not.

I wanted to share some tips, scripts, and different boundaries that might help you with whatever issue you’re facing this month and leading in to 2020.

There are 5 different types of boundaries:

  • material

  • physical

  • mental

  • spiritual

  • intimacy

  • emotional

You get to decide what your boundaries are in all of these areas.

This year, there are a few key situations that might come up. This is what I imagine boundaries would sound like in each of these situations. Please feel free to change these so they fit your voice and personality.

  • Money is tight because of the pandemic, job loss, etc.

    • “I’m unfortunately not able to buy gifts for everyone this year. Our financial situation has changed. Really bummed, but we have to do what we have to do.”

    • “I wish we could buy gifts for everyone this year, but unfortunately we can only afford to buy gifts for the kids. What do you think they’d like this year?”

    • “I won’t be able to bring a gift this year. Please don’t feel pressured to get me one either. I know this year has been hard for everyone.”

    • “Money is really tight for us right now and we cannot buy gifts for everyone. Would you be open to doing a secret Santa or another type of gift exchange with everyone this year?”

  • You aren’t going home to visit your family this year.

    • “I’m sorry I won’t be coming home this year. I’ve decided I don’t want to risk anyone’s health. I hope we can get together soon when this is all over.”

    • “I won’t be coming home this year because of the pandemic. It’s just too stressful for us. Can we do something on Zoom together that day?”

    • “I really wish things were normal this year and I can’t make it home. I don’t feel safe traveling on an airplane. I totally understand if you’re disappointed and upset. I am too.”

    • “I can’t make it home this year for the holiday.”

  • You can’t host or maintain certain traditions that you usually do

    • “I know this is disappointing, but we’ve decided not to host Christmas at our house this year. We cannot risk (person)’s health.”

    • “We’ve decided not to host everyone at our house for dinner. We’d love to meet on Zoom instead.”

    • “We won’t be hosting this year and would love to do it next year.”

  • Everyone around you is doing their normal activities and you want to opt out

    • “I’m happy you feel comfortable getting together and I won’t be able to make it this year.”

    • “I hope you all have a great time and that I can be there next year.”

    • “I won’t be able to make it, but please FaceTime me while you’re opening gifts. I’d love to see everyone!”

You can use these boundaries for a variety of situations. This year is hard for a lot of people for so many reasons. Remember,

  • this year is going to be hard and different for a lot of people, you’re not alone

  • there are ways to make the holiday special, even if it’s not the same

  • you are allowed to spend the day however you choose (even if it’s doing nothing)

  • you are not obligated to travel to, visit, or see anyone that doesn’t align with what you want or need right now (pandemic or no pandemic this is true)

  • the pressure around the holidays is real for a lot of people - you don’t have to buy into it

  • some might choose to celebrate in a different way than you do, it’s ok to disagree and not participate 

I hope this helps you navigate those challenging holiday boundaries.

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Our psychologists, therapists, and counselors can help you set boundaries and navigate family dynamics over the holidays and beyond.

Whitney Goodman