How To Discover Your Attachment Style: The Four Different Attachment Styles And How They Impact You Today
Attachment theory has become quite popular on social media. It’s a great way to help you conceptualize your past relationships and improve your current ones. Through the lens of attachment theory, we’re able to gain insight into how we like to love and how we like to be loved.
While it’s not an exact science and it should only be used as a framework or a guide, attachment theory can provide you with an insightful look into what makes your relationships stronger and the potential threats you may face in your romantic, platonic, family, and professional relationships.
What Is Attachment Theory?
Attachment theory is a theory that characterizes the different types of relationships between human infants and caregivers. These relationships affect the individual’s emotional development and emotional stability.
Source: APA Dictionary
Attachment theory was developed in the 1950’s by psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby. He proposed that a child’s early relationship with their caregivers predicts the way this child will approach social interactions and relationships throughout the lifespan. The interactions that an infant has with their caregivers is their first glimpse into how social bonds are formed and maintained.
The Four Major Types of Attachment Style
There are four distinct types of attachment that you may form. If you notice traits of yourself in two different attachment styles - that is ok. Sometimes our attachment style changes throughout life due to distress, traumatic events, or the ending of an important or formative relationship. Use these types to help yourself feel more understood and not to induce more confusion.
Secure
When someone is securely attached, they feel confident in their relationship and with their partner. A securely attached partner, family member, or friend will feel comfortable with independence in the relationship and not feel highly threatened by periodic distance. They are also capable of reaching out when they need support, love, or affection.
We know that attachment styles are formed early in life, typically during early childhood and beyond. An adult that has a secure attachment style likely saw their parents as a reliable and secure base. They were able to separate from the parents and explore the world, knowing that they would still be there when they returned. If you did not have a secure attachment as a child, it’s still possible to develop one as an adult with some hard work and dedication.
Dismissive-avoidant
Like securely attached adults, the dismissive-avoidant style is developed in childhood. Someone with this type of attachment style likely dealt with a parent(s) who was emotionally unavailable or unresponsive. The caregiver may have been dismissive when the child was sad, told them not to cry, or completely ignored their needs. The child learns that they cannot rely on them for support or affection.
As adults, dismissive-avoidant individuals continue this behavior and often hold a belief that they cannot and should not rely on anyone. They may come across as cold or distant and have trouble getting close to others. This attachment style is also characterized by frequent changes in the seriousness of the relationship, pulling away when someone gets close, and mixed signals. Again, someone with a dismissive-avoidant attachment style is not doomed to embody these characteristics for life. Through awareness and forming secure bonds, the attachment style can evolve.
Anxious-preoccupied
Anxious attachment is also developed in childhood. Typically, the child is exposed to extremely inconsistent parenting and parental responsiveness. The child has a difficult time predicting their caregiver’s behavior or understanding what their behavior means. Children who are subjected to physical or psychological abuse are more likely to develop this type of attachment style.
People with anxious-preoccupied attachment style are often “clingy,” anxious, have low self-esteem, and are fearful of abandonment. This may manifest as jealousy or extreme suspicion. Adults with anxious-preoccupied attachment struggle with being alone and may always be in a relationship to help boost their self-esteem - even if they’re not satisfied in the relationship. Being partnered is often preferred to being alone.
Fearful-avoidant (Disorganized)
Fearful avoidant attachment, also known as disorganized attachment, is characterized by a deep desire to be loved and in a relationship and intense avoidance of those relationships. These people are anxious to receive affection, but also avoid it at all costs out of fear of rejection or abandonment. This attachment style is the rarest of the four types and is associated with the most risk and difficulty functioning within relationships.
Studies have shown that childhood trauma is a major predictor for fearful-avoidant attachment. The caregiver was often seen as a both a source of comfort and intense fear. A parent who is both abusive and comforting may lead to this deep level of confusion in a young child. Because children are naturally drawn to their caregivers, the child develops a sense that they are desperate for connection and it will never be guaranteed or safe for them to pursue it. In adult relationships, this becomes extremely problematic and often prevents the person from ever achieving closeness.
Working On Your Attachment Style: How To Heal
These attachment styles are not fixed and they can be transformed and changed. Therapy, healthy relationships, and developing an awareness of your attachment style can be tranformative for people who would like to develop a more secure attachment style.
In my private practice, I help people develop more secure attachment styles in a few key ways:
Developing a secure base in therapy. The therapeutic relationship can be a great way to establish trust and learn how healthy, reliable relationships work. I show up on time to sessions, meet with you regularly, and provide an empathetic environment to help people learn that secure relationships exist and are possible.
Learning about your unique attachment style. We will spend time uncovering the patterns that show up in your life and relationships. When you can identify with an attachment style, it often makes things less scary.
Discovering how you got here. We will investigate your past and learn what your unique events from your past led to this attachment style.
Develop new patterns and ways of coping. The final part of treatment will involve creating new relational patterns and ways of coping with relationship distress. You will learn how to identify safe and productive relationships, deal with rejection in relationships, and maintain your sense of self.
Attachment Style Therapy Online In Florida and In Miami, FL
If you’d like to work with Whitney, please send an email to whitney@collabcounseling.com. I’d love to discuss how attachment theory and therapy can help you grow.