How To Change Your Family
Family dysfunction exists when everyone plays their role. A problem cannot continue without buy in from the members.
Researchers believe that there are 6 roles that family members take on. (Note, not all of these come up in every family and one member can play multiple roles or change roles with different people).
The focus (people call it the addict, but I prefer to use focus) is the person with the “problem.” Family works hard to help, enable, or cover it up.
The caretaker is the Martys of the family and tries to save everyone from the dysfunction, simultaneously maintaining it.
The hero tries to cover up the mistakes and make the family look normal. The “golden child.”
The scapegoat is the problem child. Their negative actions distract from the focus’ behavior.
The mascot lessens the stress with humor. They feel powerless.
The lost child quietly flies under the radar while other family members deal with the problem. They stay out of they way and may cut off interactions completely.
The only way the dysfunction can continue in the family is if everyone continues to play their roles.
If the focus decides to prioritize their healing, things will change.
If the caretaker stops enabling, things will have to change.
If the hero stops covering it up, things will have to change.
If the scapegoat stops taking responsibility, things will have to change.
If the mascot calls it what it is, things will change.
If the lost child shares their feelings, things will change.
And when they start to shift, it will likely be chaos. It will be painful and hard. Even if things weren’t good before, you still may want to slip back into those roles. When I say things will change, I don’t mean that everyone around you will get better. Unfortunately, things may get worse or even more confusing. This is why you will want to step back into that role that you’ve lived in for so long. The person you are working on shift and changing is yourself.
Sit through the transition. This is the only way to bring change.