For every minute you’re angry do you lose sixty seconds of happiness?
“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.”
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Have you ever heard this quote?
Anger is an emotion that I personally have struggled with a lot. I used to take pride in the fact that you’ll never see me angry, enraged, or outraged. I viewed anger as weakness. I thought that if I showed anger, I lost and the other person won. I was obsessed with always remaining calm, cool, and collected. "I just don't care enough to get angry" was always the motto.
Instead of expressing anger, I tried to always be pragmatic and in control. The thing is, I was still experiencing anger. I was just showing it down under some other emotions that would eventually show up later. Denying the anger or outrage didn’t mean that it wasn’t there or that it wasn’t going to impact me. The only thing I was controlling was how my anger appeared on the outside.
If you also avoid getting angry or showing your anger, you may say things like:
Anger is a necessary emotion and you are going to get angry.
This is just the reality of being human. It’s the threat detection mechanism in your brain saying "something needs your attention here." When we suppress our anger and deny it exists, it shows up in another form. Sadness, anxiety, fear, hopelessness, etc.
This denial or suppression is common in those who grew up with a lot of violence or yelling. You may have seen people use anger in a way that completely wrecked your sense of safety. You may have promised yourself that you’d never become like them.
Or you grew up in a home where anger wasn’t expressed at all; things were swept under the rug. You never saw this emotion modeled in a healthy way and never learned how to express it.
The person who is able to feel their anger, express it constructively, and move forward is the one who wins the battle. Denying anger/suppressing it or letting it take complete control are often recipes for disaster.
Because here’s the thing, we still have the same brain we had 100,000 years ago. But our environment is totally different. Our rage circuits are being set off by situations that didn’t exist when our brains were formed. Trauma further complicates this & causes us to react to threat in a completely different way.
There are 9 triggers that make us angry according to research:
Survival
Insult
Family
Territory
Mate
Organization
Resources
Tribe
Being Trapped
Emotions are normal. Sometimes we’re mad, sometimes we’re sad. It doesn’t mean you should just lash out. Anger can be expressed constructively and without harming anyone or anything.
Here are some things you can ask yourself to get in touch with your anger:
How does anger feel in my body?
What does anger look like?
How can I tell when I am angry?
Are there certain events that trigger me?
How do I usually express my anger?
What other emotions might I be feeling?
Who in my life has expressed their anger? Was it scary, constructive, both?
How do I feel when people are angry around me?
So do you lose 60 seconds of happiness for every 60 seconds of anger? I don't think so.
Anger is a valuable and productive emotion. It teaches us what is important and when we may need to react. Excessive, uncontrollable anger may negatively impact your life, but a life with zero anger or reactivity will be just as challenging. Sometimes anger can even lead to an improved quality of life. Happiness is not the default, desirable emotion. You’re allowed to (and should) feel a wide range of emotions - sometimes it might even be anger.
If you’re looking for courses, workbooks, or other offerings to help you learn what to do when you get angry or with managing and expressing anger - check out my online store.
I also offer individual and couples therapy for Florida residents online and in my Miami, FL office.
Whit