You Are Not A Container For Your Parent's Secrets: Dealing With Parentification
Parentification is when a child is forced to take on the role of an adult.
Many children get pushed into the role of caretaker for their younger siblings or become the referee in their parent’s arguments.
When caregivers aren’t able to fully show up for themselves, children get put into developmentally inappropriate situations.
Here are some signs you were parentified as a child:
Grew up feeling like you had to be responsible
Trouble with play or “letting loose”
Like to feel in control
Pulled into arguments or issues between caregivers
Felt like you were given responsibilities that were not appropriate for someone your age
Often compliments for being “so good” and “so responsible”
May feel that being self-reliant is better than trying to trust others
Don’t really remember “being a kid”
Parents had trouble caring for themselves or others and placed the responsibility on you
Often find yourself becoming a caregiver for others
Being a caretaker feels good, even when you are sacrificing parts of yourself
Heightened sense of empathy and an ability to more closely connect with others
Feel like you need to be the peacemaker
Feel like your efforts aren’t appreciated
Parentification usually happens when a parent shares information with a child or adult child that isn’t developmentally appropriate for their age, developmental age, or the parent-child relationship.
Holding secrets for a parent usually looks like this:
- parent shares how they feel about the other caregiver, a family member, etc. and it’s negative. (I am NOT talking about pointing out that someone is abusive or trying to protect).
- telling you sensitive information and then saying “but don’t tell X.”
- sharing information that can’t be well understood or carried by someone of that age or developmental age
- asking you to keep secrets
- telling you one thing in private and doing the opposite in public
If you feel like you’ve dealt with parentification, my Parentified Child Workbook might be really helpful.
What you'll get:
A 26 page workbook
15 pages of information about parentification: how it happens and why
11 worksheets to begin your healing: journal prompts, worksheets, lists, and questions
List of sources and additional academic reading on parentification
This workbook is for all the adults who feel like they didn't get to be a kid. It will help you:
identify the good, adaptive things you learned
get in touch with your inner child
learn why and how parentification happens so you don't repeat the pattern
form solid, trusting relationships as an adult
make peace with your childhood
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As always, thank you so much for reading. I am so grateful for each and every one of you! See you here next week.
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Whit