What Not To Say In An Argument

Arguments happen. They are unavoidable.

When handled well, disagreements can bring us closer and help us resolve underlying conflict. When handled incorrectly, they lead to distance, contempt, and even trauma.

Here are some statements that can really mess up a productive argument.

Look at these statements. Have you ever used them in an argument? I know I have. We’re probably not proud when we act in these ways, but it happens.

Healthy arguments happen between two people who are willing to listen, seek understanding, and reflect. They leave room for different perspectives and opinions. Healthy arguments don’t have name calling, absolutes, or threats.

If you have ever been in an abusive or toxic relationship, you might recognize a lot of these statements. They were probably used against you. You may have even used them yourself out of sheer necessity or defensiveness. Maybe the other person made you feel “crazy” and you felt like fighting fair was never an option.

Not everyone is your life is going to be capable or willing to have these types of discussions, but you have the power to control how you respond. You have the power to set boundaries when you’re ready. You don’t have to match their style.

Here are some different things you can do or say instead of the statement above.

Tone, inflection, and non-verbal cues are also super important here. When you’re saying these things, try to be open, watch your tone, and use a non-threatening approach. (If you want to see these images larger, just click on them!)

**I also want to reiterate that if you are in a relationship with someone who is abusive or gaslighting you, it’s likely that all these swaps will not work. In order to have healthy conflict, both people have to be willing to participate. If you try all these things and it’s still not working, it might not be your fault. Every argument has two players and without participation from both individuals, it will be very challenging to transform the dynamic.

As always, thanks for reading. Hope this helps you argue smarter and more effectively! If you're looking for more workbooks or prompts to improve your relationship, check out my online store here.

Whitney