Is Your Relationship Healthy, Difficult, Toxic, or Abusive?

Yesterday I asked my followers on Instagram if toxic and abusive relationships were the same thing. 73% of them said they are very different things.

I have to admit, I am so nervous about sharing this. I really hope it captures even just 1/10th of what I am trying to say.

I have been hearing a lot about toxic & abusive relationships in my office. I can’t scroll through Instagram without seeing at least 5 posts about “cutting toxic people out” of your life. And it’s made me wonder…are we all this toxic? Or are we refusing to have the hard conversations? Are we labeling people as “toxic” when they’re really just difficult or different?

Are we watering down what abuse really is by using these words interchangeably?

Abuse is real. It is a serious and often difficult to identify. Physical, emotional, financial, sexual, and verbal abuse happen in homes and communities every day. It has tremendous long term effects and should be taken seriously.

Several of you messaged me, “why does it matter what we call it? It’s just a word.”

Words matter. If we call everything abuse, we will create a world where the word abuse gets watered down and becomes so nuanced that it’s hard to understand or recognize.

The main takeaway from all the messages I got from you was: All abusive relationships are toxic, but not all toxic relationships are abusive.

I’m not here to excuse toxic behavior – it’s unhealthy and completely unacceptable. You shouldn’t feel stuck in toxic relationships. They can cause they same type of trauma and harm as abuse.

Our relationships have shades of grey. Even more than this chart is able to demonstrate.

You are the only person that can decide what to label your relationship and how you feel about it. I hope this helps you recognize:

  • relationships you should work on

  • relationships you should accept

  • ones you should walk away from

  • relationships that are or were particularly dangerous/harmful

(This chart is a quick overview of types of relationships. Not all relationships will fit this pattern. If you or somebody you know are experiencing this pattern in a relationship or something similar, please visit the Domestic Violence Hotline page. It is never too early or too late to get help.)

Whitney Goodman