How To Speak To A Child About A Parent's Substance Abuse
Parents with substance abuse disorders may expose their children to a variety of negative consequences in the home.
According to the National Association for Children of Alcoholics, 76 million Americans — about 43 percent of the U.S. adult population — have been exposed to alcoholism in the family; and there are an estimated 26.8 million children of alcoholics (COAs) in the United States. Preliminary research suggests that more than 11 million of those are under the age of 18. Millions of children live with a parent addicted to illicit drugs.
In families where substance abuse is occurring, another parent or family member may need to explain to the children why their parent is going to treatment, unable to be around, or is acting in an unusual way.
There is no easy way to have this conversation, even when the child is aware of the issue.
Here are some guidelines to help facilitate the conversation:
Be Age Appropriate: Make sure the content of the conversation is suitable for the child’s age. The dialogue you may have with a 16 year old will be very different from a 5 year old. Use language that is easy to understand. For very young children, it is appropriate to explain that “____ is sick and he is trying to get better.”
Honesty Is Key: Children of addicts are taught to be secretive. The main rules in the home are “don’t talk, don’t trust, don’t feel.” Be honest with the child about what is happening. Speak in easy to understand terms and inform them of the exact problem. When we use elusive language to speak about addiction, it increases the shame and encourages children to feel embarrassed about the problem. If their father is going to treatment, tell them. If they are hospitalized, explain to them that this is what’s best for their health.
But, Don’t Be Too Honest: While it’s okay to be truthful with a child about an addicted parent’s problem, it’s not appropriate to speak or act disrespectfully toward that parent. Try to avoid saying things like, “he’s a junkie” or “he’s just a drunk who doesn’t care about us.” You want to be honest about the disease. Sharing your opinion about the other parent will only cause them to feel more shame and resentment. Remember that the child still wants to love this parent and is probably hopeful there will be a solid relationship.
Addiction Is A Disease: Make sure the child understands their parent is not “bad,” they are sick. It is not their fault and they did not cause this.
Identify Risk Factors, but not right now: Children of alcoholics are four times more likely to be addicted to alcohol. But, when you are talking about an addicted parent, keep the subject on them. Teens and tweens especially, will tune you out if the conversation turns into a lecture. Later (in another blog post), you can explain that addiction runs in families much like other diseases and that children of addicts may have to be more careful than their friends around substances. Try to keep both conversations open and non-judgmental, you’ll want them to come to you if substances are an issue in the future.
Teach The 7 C’s: Children of addicts tend to take on additional responsibility. They may even feel they caused the addiction. The National Association for Children of Alcoholics suggests that children dealing with addiction in the family learn and use the following “7 Cs of Addiction:”
I didn’t Cause it.
I can’t Cure it.
I can’t Control it.
I can Care for myself
By Communicating my feelings,
Making healthy Choices, and
By Celebrating myself.
Pick A Good Time To Talk: Avoid talking to the child in the heat of the moment. You may say things you regret. It’s best to sit down when there are no distractions and you have a clear idea of what you would like to say.
Provide Resources: When you sit down with the child, provide them with age appropriate resources. This may include Alanon, Alateen, or a child psychologist who specializes in children of addicts. It may be helpful to introduce the child to someone struggling with a similar issue so they don’t feel alone. Encourage them to talk to you if they feel scared or alone and provide them with a way to reach you.
This information should be presented by someone the child trusts. One or two individuals, at most, should communicate with the child and the entire family needs to updated on what is being told. Keeping the rumor mill at bay is very important and will prevent children from becoming confused.
The most important thing in these situations is keeping the child safe.
If you suspect a child is being abused, neglected, or exposed to illicit drug use, please be sure to report this to your local authorities.
Therapy is an excellent way to discuss addiction in the family with your child or children. If I can help you with with this, please don’t hesitate to contact me.