10 Tips For Surviving Long Distance Caregiving
November is National Caregiver’s Month, which means we will be spending the next few weeks talking about a population I respect immensely – family caregivers. This week I want to talk about an important and rarely discussed phenomenon: long distance caregiving.
When we imagine family caregiving, it’s easy to imagine someone getting their hands dirty and providing face-to-face care. But, this isn’t always the case. With more adult children moving across the country (or the globe) to chase careers, relationships, and dreams, ill or elderly family members are often being cared for from miles away. “Greater longevity of human life, an increase in single parent families, delayed child-bearing, and the economic need for two working adults also contribute to the increase in caregiving responsibilities for family members.” And while geographical proximity is not a prerequisite for maintaining close family bonds, it has been identified as an important indicator of how families deal with their family responsibilities.
Often, someone gets sick and suddenly the whole family is forced to state what they are capable of providing and what they are willing to provide. This is where things get complicated.
Caregiving has two dimensions: objective burden (time, efforts, tasks, financial supports) and subjective burden (perceptions, attitudes, emotions) that disrupt or change the caregiver’s life situation. Each individual involved in the caregiving is going to be impacted by the objective and subjective burdens in various ways. Some individuals may find caregiving to be draining both emotionally and financially, particularly when an ill elderly parent is involved. Then add distance to the equation and caregiving can become much more complex.
Being a long distance caregiver doesn’t come with an instruction manual and the role is filled with challenges. You play a critical role in your loved one’s network by supporting their local caregivers as well as by providing them with direct care.
So, how do you survive this new, important role?
Self-care, self-care, self-care (and say it again with me….self care): Caregiving is stressful! Whether you are the one changing the bed pan or arranging care over the phone, you need to prioritize your mental health. This may mean you take a walk every day without your cell phone (scary, but necessary!!), get a massage, spend time with friends, or read a book. Self care is not selfish, it is mandatory! Especially for you, long distance caregiver.
Delegate: You are not the only one that can accomplish tasks, I promise. I see this a lot with oldest children and mothers – they take over everything and burn out very quickly. Find a way to spread out tasks among other family members or friends; even the smallest task can provide you with some relief. If finances permit, consider hiring some help. Repeat after me: I am not a bad caregiver because I need help.
If someone offers to help, say YES!: Help empower other caregivers by allowing them to engage in the caregiving tasks. If someone offers to make food, let them.
Do not diminish your importance: All types of caregiving are valuable to the individual. When family members are stressed, they may be compelled to point out shortcomings in others. Don’t engage in comparison with other caregivers. Everyone is doing the best they can with what they’ve got.
Go light on the guilt: I may sound like broken record here, but you are not a bad caregiver for having to provide care from a distance. There are many vital forms of care than can be provided from miles away.
Use technology: If circumstances are keeping you away, find new creative ways to engage with your loved one. Technology has changed the long distance caregiving game. FaceTime and phone conversations are a great way to provide emotional support and connect. In fact, video chatting has been reported to help diminish guilt and keep you more up to date on the individual’s mood and health status.
Don’t be afraid to set boundaries: 72% of caregivers reported spending an average of 22 hours per month providing assistance with activities of daily living (i.e. transportation, housework, grocery shopping, etc). Individuals also reported using all their vacation time to provide face-to-face care and missing work for caregiving duties. I know the feeling all to well. That one that nags at you saying, “I should be there, I need to be there.” The feeling that every time your phone rings, it’s going to be bad news. Well, I am here to tell you something I constantly have to tell myself: it’s ok to set boundaries with your time. For example, I know if I answer my phone at work for an emergency and I am unable to provide assistance, I will get annoyed and angry. This usually results in pervasive frustration that lasts through the day. Consistently evaluate how helpful you can be in that moment and set parameters.
Seek understanding, rather than blame: Caregiving from a distance means others may be making decisions for your loved one. Be sensitive to the decisions of local caregivers who must make snap decisions that may not be the same ones you would make. Put your faith in people you trust and know they are trying their best.
Take information with a grain of salt: When speaking with other local caregivers understand that they may have different interpretations of the situation. Seek and consider all sources of information to minimize the chance of a misunderstanding of your loved one’s situation. A very good day or very bad day for the reporter can cause some information to become skewed. Make sure you are consistently following up with the care receiver and their medical team before making any major decisions.
Enjoy the little moments: Unfortunately, someone in your family is ill or aging. The fear and worry that is inherent in caregiving is what makes this process so excruciatingly difficult. Caregiving and long distance caregiving periods vary depending on the situation, but they are not forever. Try as hard as you can to find joy in these moments; whether it’s during those FaceTime calls or checking in with a late night text. The stress of caregiving can really get in the way of some truly amazing final moments you have with your loved one. You don’t have to be a perfect caregiver, you just have to be there.