10 of the Most Unhelpful Things You Can Say When Someone Is In Pain (And What To Say Instead)
I believe that people are inherently good. They want to be helpful and make others feel good. Some of us just really don’t know how to do that.
People say some of the strangest things in an effort to make someone feel better. A lot of these platitudes or “motivational statements” fall flat or leave us feeling like absolute crap.
These are ten of the most unhelpful things you can say to someone when they’re in pain and exactly why they’re so unhelpful:
“Get over it.” Yes, you want them to get over it. That would be very nice! They want to get over it too. If they knew how, I bet they would do it.
“Move on.” Ah yes, another suggestion that rushes the process. This statement invalidates what the person is feeling, makes it clear you do not want to hear more about it, and tells them not to feel it, all at the same time.
“It’s not that big of a deal.” Maybe not the best things to say to a person who is overwhelmed by something that really does seem like a big deal to them in this moment. 100% invalidating.
“But did you try (insert suggestion)?” I have learned that what people hate most when they’re in pain is a suggestion. Especially if it’s yoga or turmeric. Avoid those two suggestions unless explicitly asked about yoga or turmeric.
“At least it’s not (insert situation that you think is worse).” This one is so gloriously awful. You are literally telling the person that they don’t have a right to be upset because something else bad happened in the world. Rough.
“I wouldn’t have done that.” What a wonderful way to assert superiority when someone is down! This one fails 10/10 times.
“Everything happens for a reason.” This one is incredibly awful when something happens that just cannot be explained, like a death. Some things just happen and they are awful. Finding the reason isn’t always possible or helpful.
“You brought this on yourself.” Honestly, nothing is that simple. Instead of being curious, we’re using blame as a way to shame the person into taking responsibility. Not helpful or effective.
“You need to try harder.” When someone is experiencing a failure or a loss, this isn’t the best way to motivate them. It is possible that someone is trying their hardest and things still didnt work out.
“Calm down.” Let’s just set the record straight right now, never in the history of the world has this statement ever helped someone calm down.
These statements all rush and invalidate a person’s experience. They convey a message that what the person is feeling is wrong, it needs to stop, and we know better. Ultimately, that’s why these statements fail.
So how do we support people when they’re in pain?
Validate. Here are some statements that you can use and make your own:
“I hear you.”
“That sounds really hard.”
“I can’t even imagine how difficult this is.”
“Damn. That is so tough.”
“That sounds like a lot.”
“I’m here for you.”
“I’m not going to leave you.”
“I’ll help you through this.”
“I know you feel alone right now, but just know you have me.”
2. Get curious. Be careful not to say “I understand” right away. You may not actually understand and the person may feel like you didn’t take the time to learn about their situation or adequately provide them with a space to share. Here are some variations you can use and make your own:
“Can you tell me more about that?”
“What are your concerns right now?”
“Can you help me understand what has been going on?”
“I really want to understand this more so I can help you.”
“Let’s talk about it.”
3. Refrain from offering advice until you’ve been explicitly told that the person wants problem solving help. Seriously, don’t. No matter how good the advice seems.
Humans want to be understood and seen. It’s our deepest desire and the reason that we do pretty much everything. Language has the power to make people feel a sense of belonging. This is why our words matter. A simple shift in what you say to someone struggling can make a huge difference.